HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I want her autograph on my taint
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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