Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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