i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
