I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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