Just mADE A PArabola og urine
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
