you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Randomize
