at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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