i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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