Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Sponge bath it is.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
