i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
