so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
