Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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