we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
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