I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
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