I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
