I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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