Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
