New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
he quoted the bible to break up with me
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
