Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
