I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
