She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Success! We fucked roommates!
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
