No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
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