Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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