Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
