I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
