I heard we made out
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
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After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
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What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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