just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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