I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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