I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
