Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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