420 ftw
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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