I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
