WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
