five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
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