The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
