We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
