worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
