Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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