Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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