Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
