i was born a porn star she said
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
