I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
