I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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