the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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