i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
