It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
