Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
