i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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