Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
