we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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