I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
