I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
