I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
