i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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