Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
