Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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