bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
