Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
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