Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
