I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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