I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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