hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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